The light at the end of the tunnel..

was actually a train coming full speed at me. My sister’s wedding was canceled. A few hours before the actual wedding, we got an email from an anonymous source that the groom was already married. This started a 4 hour long intense investigation and assimilation of resources. At the end of it we found out that the groom was having a 2 year long secret homosexual affair with someone he had met online. Needless to say, my sister called the wedding off. This while is a good thing of sorts, has been quite a blow to my family. Everyone is shattered in multiple ways, and no one quite knows how to handle all this. On one side there are relatives how are being nosey or being overly supportive, on the other long subdued issues within my own family are starting to come out under the new strain. Kinda like how an earthquake provides a vent for all the stress accumulated over the years.

I am trying to pacify all of this to the best of my ability. Sometimes this is more than what I can handle. It is quite an irony that I am the strongest standing pillar of support for my family. Can there be much hope for anything that seeks to sustain and rescue itself with the help of something as feeble as me? Only time will tell. For now, all I am hoping is to bring some kind of closure to this episode, pave way for recovery, and leave my family with some hope.

At home

I am at home after over 2 years to attend my sister’s wedding. This trip is turning out to be quite a lot of fun and challenge than I expected. On one hand, it is pretty cool to meet all my relatives after a long time, on the other I am missing my solitude and peace of mind that comes with it. Lets see how things go.

Stupid Adsense

Over the last couple of days, I spent sometime optimizing my Google ads, and it worked. The problem was, it worked too well. Google determined the increased clicks to be fraudulent and closed my account. A simple search reveals that this is a prevalent issue. Now how on earth am I responsible if their logic is faulty? I had $35 in my account that I would never see again. Google, you’ve disappointed me.

Confessions of an Economic Hitman

I found a couple of long videos of an interview with the author of “Confessions of an Economic Hitman”, John Perkins. If you have not read the book, I would strongly urge you to. It is either a really good work of fiction, or out right scary.

Exam Update

I still don’t have the exact date of my quals exam. I know it is sometime next week, but nothing more. I sent the dept adviser an email about this and she has promised to look into this at the earliest. I think knowing the exact date would do wonders to bring my stress levels down. Right now I will be fine if the exam is on or after next Tuesday. If its earlier there will be a lot of cramming left to do.

MAD has been really understanding and patient as I deal with the exams. She spent a few evenings at my place last week and went out of her way to make sure I was calm. I am really liking her.

Ok, I got to get off my ass and go talk to my therapist in an hour. Not fun.

Dating to Relationship

So a while ago I raised a question as to when does one transition from “dating” to being in a “relationship”? I have given this quite a bit of thought and have discussed this a bit with friends and MAD. Here are a few opinions in no particular order.

1. When you are sexually monogamous.
2. When you have a talk and mutually agree to not date other people.
3. When you take it for granted that you will be spending the weekends with the other person.
4. When they become your defacto date to events.
5. When you meet the other’s family and actually spend time with them.
6. After 10 dates or 2 months which ever comes first.
7. When you are ok with telephone conversations that last less than 30 seconds.
8.  When anxiety levels during a date drop to baseline region

Ya, some of them are asinine, but they are valid as opinions none the less. I wonder what other criteria that people use?

Engagement et. al.

My sis’s engagement was yesterday. I was on the phone with my parents numerous times through out the day just to check in and see how things are going. The whole thing went very smoothly and I got some pics that were taken by my cousin using his cell phone camera emailed to me the same evening. I am expecting to get copies of the professional photographs in a day or two. I have to confess, it is such a different feeling to actually see the pictures as apposed to just thinking and conversing about the engagement. It makes it so much more real, and all of a sudden you are overwhelmed with happiness and with regret that you couldn’t be there at the same time. My family looks so happy and after such a long time. I cannot even write about it without holding back tears.

All this has given me a new inspiration to work harder on my quals. This puts what is really at stake front and square and in very realistic terms.

Here for you…

Inspired by PostSecret, here is where you can leave me a message if you ever need someone to talk to.

Happy Birthday, Me!

Yesterday I turned 28!  Now I am officially closer to 30 than I am to 25. To quote Bon Jovi, “I am not old, just older.” 🙂

It was a pretty good day too. MAD and I spent the day at a workshop conducted by the student group I am part of. We then had a really quite and wonderful dinner. She even got the restaurant to put a candle on my dessert without doing the whole group singing thing. 🙂 The last time I enjoyed my b’day was about 7 yrs ago.

Checking in with self

[Image from Eric Newport]

I just made an appointment with my therapist. I think my depression is making a comeback, and its back with a vengeance. Or it could be just stress too. I have lost all interest in everything, and nothing really excites me anymore. Even worse, I am genuinely afraid that I might just kill myself. Last week, I was walking across a walkway on the 6th floor of my department and was afraid that I might just jump from it. I had to deliberately control every step just to make sure that I was not going to let impulse take over. Yesterday, I was waiting for a bus, and there was an electric pole being held up by a steel wire. I wanted to touch it to see if there was any current through it. While I was approaching it, I asked myself what if there was current, and found myself answering, would it be so bad if there was? This is highly discomforting. I am afraid that at some level, I am convincing myself that suicide might not be a bad idea after all.

I would not be so worried about this except for the fact that I have my last attempt at quals exam the second week of November. If incase I do not clear it, I will be out of grad school for ever, and right now my life as I know it will come to an end.