Argumentum ad Ignoratum

OCTOBER 11TH, 2007
By PSEUDOSANITY

Checking in with self

I just made an appointment with my therapist. I think my depression is making a comeback, and its back with a vengeance. Or it could be just stress too. I have lost all interest in everything, and nothing really excites me anymore. Even worse, I am genuinely afraid that I might just kill myself. Last week, I was walking across a walkway on the 6th floor of my department and was afraid that I might just jump from it. I had to deliberately control every step just to make sure that I was not going to let impulse take over. Yesterday, I was waiting for a bus, and there was an electric pole being held up by a steel wire. I wanted to touch it to see if there was any current through it. While I was approaching it, I asked myself what if there was current, and found myself answering, would it be so bad if there was? This is highly discomforting. I am afraid that at some level, I am convincing myself that suicide might not be a bad idea after all.

I would not be so worried about this except for the fact that I have my last attempt at quals exam the second week of November. If incase I do not clear it, I will be out of grad school for ever, and right now my life as I know it will come to an end.

Personal

4 Comments

By Katie, October 11, 2007 @ 6:44 pm

I think suicide is a bad idea. So I’m glad you’re seeing your therapist – it does sound a lot like depression to me. What you’ve described is also why I’m pretty sure I’ll stay on some dose of anti-depressants for quite some time.

Please take care of yourself. And update sometimes, please? Now I’m worry about you.
By rageyone, October 11, 2007 @ 6:50 pm

Good that you realize that you need to see a therapist to deal with those feelings. Best to you as your work through this and prepare for your qual exams.
By zelda, October 12, 2007 @ 3:19 am

glad you made an appointment with your therapist. it might be a good idea to see him/her pretty regularly up until and after your quals. take care of yourself and please post an update soon. i agree with Katie, we’re worried!
By Pseudosanity, October 12, 2007 @ 1:51 pm

Thanks for the concern guys. I swear I am not a suicidal maniac, atleast not yet. I am just doing this as a preemptive measure. I am scheduled to meet my therapist on the 28th of this month, so it should be fine long before the exams.