Chicken… Chicken… *flaps his wings*
Over the last few days I have come to a conclusion that I am really screwed up in the head. Yeah, thats news to me. My ex-gf is getting married in 3 days, and I just realized that I am still in love with her. I thought I had gotten over her and moved on, but turns out that I havent. Just the thought of her being with someone else is outright unacceptable to me. Secondly, I feel ilike I have no control over my life. Worse yet, I dont know who I am anymore. I have come to a point where I have started to accept anything life dishes out instead of steering it; mainly because I dont know where to go. Lastly (is that even a word?), I think my entire career is a farse. I project the image of knowing a lot, but I honestly know nothing in depth.
Since I know I am not capable of sorting these out by myself, I made an appointment to go see my therapist today. 30 mins before the appointment I got scared and rescheduled it. I am not sure what I am scared of. Maybe I dont want to find out the truth that I really have issues. I like to think of myself as a strong person, and accepting that I have faults just blows my self image out of the water. Whoever said “Ignorance is bliss” is a genious.
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By Hulai, May 30, 2005 @ 5:34 pm
You know pseudo I will always love Toby. Even though he did awful things that hurt me badly. Since we broke up coming up on a year ago, he has been engaged twice. The latest is the very girl who turned him into the cynical bastard he was and is today. Hes been trying to punish himself for the stuff hes done to me. I know this sounds like Im full of myself when I say that but its the truth. He doesnt care anymore who hes with as long as hes not alone. Why not be with the girl that he knows will never be faithful, when he can feel no guilt about being with other girls at the same time. See he found out Im happy. Even dating some one again. As soon as he found that out he was re-engaged to this girl. This girl that he has hated the mere mention of for the last 10 years or so.
For me to be happy and enjoying the life of a dating single girl kills him. This is something I guess will have to be dealt with. But I intend to never let anyone hold me down or back again. Yes, I love him. We had a child together, all be it that she did not make it to this world, but we were going to be parents. So yes a part of me will always hurt for him and the mistakes hes making. But I had to learn to trust and yes even love again. Things happen for a reason, you just have to take the appropriate lesson out of it.
God wont give you a mountain you cant climb. Look up you will find something to carry you through. A year later Toby still crosses my mind daily. James even crosses my mind most days. I loved him probably the most. But even though we loved each other it was not meant to be. But he taught me the most important lesson in the world… Once you open your eyes again, there will be more open to you. You must first be willing to recieve the love of another in order to be able to give it in return….
So the feelings you are feeling towards your ex, they are shared trust me. You just have to find something not necessarily some one to make you smile. Be open to possiblities.
As for your job… We all feel that way sometimes. Keep your chin up things will get better. You are too smart to really believe you arent making some kind of significant difference.
Oh and Im the queen of screwed up in the head. You read me, you know I am! So dont feel alone. The club door is always open! Besides what is “normal” anyways??
By Pseudosanity, May 31, 2005 @ 11:05 pm
Hulai, your story makes mine seem like a fairy tale. I guess when we are unhappy even the smallest of things seem unsurmountable. I really appreciate you taking pains to write in this detail. It helped me quite a bit. Well, I guess its just time for me to move on whether I like it or not.
By Hulai, June 5, 2005 @ 11:52 pm
You know I never mind sharing the “interesting”drama that has become my life in the last 23 years. I say if its yours own it. Thats exactly what I have done.