I found a couple of long videos of an interview with the author of “Confessions of an Economic Hitman”, John Perkins. If you have not read the book, I would strongly urge you to. It is either a really good work of fiction, or out right scary.
I still don’t have the exact date of my quals exam. I know it is sometime next week, but nothing more. I sent the dept adviser an email about this and she has promised to look into this at the earliest. I think knowing the exact date would do wonders to bring my stress levels down. Right now I will be fine if the exam is on or after next Tuesday. If its earlier there will be a lot of cramming left to do.
MAD has been really understanding and patient as I deal with the exams. She spent a few evenings at my place last week and went out of her way to make sure I was calm. I am really liking her.
Ok, I got to get off my ass and go talk to my therapist in an hour. Not fun.
So a while ago I raised a question as to when does one transition from “dating” to being in a “relationship”? I have given this quite a bit of thought and have discussed this a bit with friends and MAD. Here are a few opinions in no particular order.
Ya, some of them are asinine, but they are valid as opinions none the less. I wonder what other criteria that people use?
My sis’s engagement was yesterday. I was on the phone with my parents numerous times through out the day just to check in and see how things are going. The whole thing went very smoothly and I got some pics that were taken by my cousin using his cell phone camera emailed to me the same evening. I am expecting to get copies of the professional photographs in a day or two. I have to confess, it is such a different feeling to actually see the pictures as apposed to just thinking and conversing about the engagement. It makes it so much more real, and all of a sudden you are overwhelmed with happiness and with regret that you couldn’t be there at the same time. My family looks so happy and after such a long time. I cannot even write about it without holding back tears.
All this has given me a new inspiration to work harder on my quals. This puts what is really at stake front and square and in very realistic terms.
Inspired by PostSecret, here is where you can leave me a message if you ever need someone to talk to.
Yesterday I turned 28! Now I am officially closer to 30 than I am to 25. To quote Bon Jovi, “I am not old, just older.” 
It was a pretty good day too. MAD and I spent the day at a workshop conducted by the student group I am part of. We then had a really quite and wonderful dinner. She even got the restaurant to put a candle on my dessert without doing the whole group singing thing. The last time I enjoyed my b’day was about 7 yrs ago.
[Image from Eric Newport]
I just made an appointment with my therapist. I think my depression is making a comeback, and its back with a vengeance. Or it could be just stress too. I have lost all interest in everything, and nothing really excites me anymore. Even worse, I am genuinely afraid that I might just kill myself. Last week, I was walking across a walkway on the 6th floor of my department and was afraid that I might just jump from it. I had to deliberately control every step just to make sure that I was not going to let impulse take over. Yesterday, I was waiting for a bus, and there was an electric pole being held up by a steel wire. I wanted to touch it to see if there was any current through it. While I was approaching it, I asked myself what if there was current, and found myself answering, would it be so bad if there was? This is highly discomforting. I am afraid that at some level, I am convincing myself that suicide might not be a bad idea after all.
I would not be so worried about this except for the fact that I have my last attempt at quals exam the second week of November. If incase I do not clear it, I will be out of grad school for ever, and right now my life as I know it will come to an end.
