Dreams

There seems to be a strong corellation between my dreams and the time I spend on the couch. Ever since I stopped therapy these dreams are making a comeback. Yesterday’s was a sum of all fears. First I am on a boat with an uncle of mine, and we end up killing tons of people by accidentally running over them. Then my sister gets interested in some random guy, and I kick his butt. After that for some reason my sis and mom get hooked on coke and LSD. I try to talk them out of it, but end up with my dad joining them. Then we join some kind of church that specializes in “blood.” I am not kidding. There are only leppers and sick people there. The walls and floor are covered in blood and stains. It was horrible.

I think I should reconsider my decision on opting out of therapy.

A Moment of Zen

I got a bit stressed and worried today and my instinctive response was to gorge down a foot long sandwich, 6 sugar cookies, and 32oz Root beer. After I finished gulping all that down, it occured to me that food is the only thing that seems to calm me down. I have been doing it ever since I got into grad school; but in all honesty, I didn’t have any major problems in my life till then. I need to sit down and read a bit about it. I got to get this thing under control.

The World this Week

This TA thing is more time consuming than I thought. The lab sessions takes most of my time during the weekdays, and the weekends are spent evaluating reports. Ofcourse, if I had been a better manager of time, I wouldn’t have a problem, but we all know that is likely to happen.

Inspite of the drain that this TA is turning out to be, I am actually enjoying it. It forces me to come out of my bedroom and interact with people. It had been really really hard for me to do that before. I used to go out of my way to avoid any and every social contact. I am able to handle my interactions with students here because deep down I know that I know this topic better than them, and it puts me in an authoritative position. It is sad, but I can function properly only when I feel superior to others.

On the research side things have come to a grinding halt. I had a semi productive meeting with QoH on Tuesday. I did not let me steam roll me and blame me for everything that went wrong like I usually do. This time I was assertive and called it as I saw it. It feels good to not be on the defensive.

My quals preparation is a non-starter. I am way too tired after TA stuff to actually do anything else. My energy levels have been pretty low lately. Even getting through a normal workday is a fight. On the days I dont have TA stuff, I need to take it easy to recoup. I should start working on it sometime soon though.

Quals

(link www.phdcomics.com)

I have finally decided to take my qualifying examination. This should have been taken care of by the end of the first year, but due to lack of advice/guidance, I haven’t taken it yet. I guess I am going to set some record of some sort in the department for being the senior most grad student to ever take the quals. I mean, how many 4th/5th year grad students do you know who have not taken their quals yet?

Anyways, I turned in my application forms this afternoon. QoH had submitted his letter of recommendation earlier this morning. When I went to meet the department advisor to turn in the forms, she was very surprised that I am actually sticking with QoH for the rest of my study. We spent a few mins discussing my issues with QoH and his lack of funding. She asked me to meet with the HR in the dept and both of them assured me that they will do their best to keep me funded. Apparently QoH’s antics are very well known in the department.

Now that I have turned the requisite papers in, I have no excuse not to prepare for it.

An Ode to My Past

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. On…

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” – Orson Welles

I am just in a sombre mood today.

TA Stuff

This quarter I am TAing a junior level basic undergrad course. Mostly coz QoH doesn’t have a dime for me. Anyways. I had my first TA session this morning. I was trying to explain the lab procedure to a group of about 18 students. After 30 mins of diagrams and equations, not a mention a really really really parched throat, all I got were 18 blank faces. Not confused, not convinced, not thinking, not bored,… just blank. I dont know what to think of it. Anyways, once I broke out of “normal” flow of things, it got a bit better. I officially hate undergrads now. They know nothing, and they think they really dont need to know anything. Somehow we have to find a way to diffuse our knowledge into their pig headed, lead stuffed brains without any effort on their part.

A neighbourhood rental place is having its closing…

A neighbourhood rental place is having its closing sale, and this morning I spent $141.30 there buying adult movies. God, my parents are going to be so proud of me.