MARCH 23RD, 2006
By PSEUDOSANITY
Have you ever had something to say but no words to say it in? Have you ever had all the words at your beck and call, but not a single original thought within a billion miles? I am having one of later moment. Check that. A year.
I have an urge to be creative, to be productive, to be useful, for my life to mean something again. I feel like I need to do something with my time. I feel like I am destined for greater things. I am hunting for my silver bullet. When the world sleeps, my dreams rise. My hopes soar. My heart beats.
Then the sun dawns, bringing with it all the sorrow and difficulties of a world I dont want to face. I am not ready to face the world that I once rulled as a lowly underling. I do not want to confront issues that I do not control. I just want to be left alone with my happiness. The happiness that I can only find in solitude. The calmness that comes with the solitude. The music off silence that reigns supreme in the glory of the dark has more inspiration in its every note than all the words that have ever originated from philosophers.
Why no poet has dedicated his life to the poetry of night is beyond me.
MARCH 20TH, 2006
By PSEUDOSANITY
The only thing keeping me from taking my own life is the thought of how it would devastate my parents. I cannot hurt them for my selfish needs.
MARCH 16TH, 2006
By PSEUDOSANITY
Today I am going to submit a petition to withdraw from the quarter completely. I cannot help but think that this is entirely due to my laziness that is masquerading as depression. Why could I not just suck it up, and work my butt off? I am a utter failure.
MARCH 15TH, 2006
By PSEUDOSANITY
Remember the good old days when you could get atleast a few hours of sleep every night? Since the previous Sunday, I have been running on 4-5 hrs of sleep everyday, if any. We had a visiting researcher at QoH’s lab, and I had to babysit him. He is a cool guy, but a freakin workoholic. What he doesnt understand is that for every hour he works, I got to work 30 more mins preparing stuff. In his defence he did help me quite a bit. Anyways, he left this afternoon, and tonight I can finally get some desperately needed shut eye. On the positive side, all our devices worked and he was pretty happy when he left. Hopefully it will translate into funding.
MARCH 14TH, 2006
By PSEUDOSANITY
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx
MARCH 8TH, 2006
By PSEUDOSANITY
I think today was just a bad day to start with.
First, I hear that I missed an important deadline for a project I didn’t know even existed for the course I am enrolled in. The prof told me that it is a certainty that I would get a really low grade coz of it, and advised that I drop the course.
After that I learnt that QoH has money only to fund me till the end of next quarter. Technically, he is not supporting me next quarter either as I am doing a TA, but he has spent his “political currency” trying to get me that position. I am so freakin worried abt what is going to happen 4 months from now. It is come to the point where I actually hear QoH telling me about it over and over and over again in my head. I tried to shake it off by hanging out with a good friend of mine and having a ton of fun, but it was just going on this non-stop loop in the background. This has never happened to me. I have been upset before but never to the extent where I hear things in my head. I am so fucked.
MARCH 7TH, 2006
By PSEUDOSANITY
We have one of our research colaborator’s visiting QoH’s lab this week. He wanted to make sure that the devices QoH developed for them actually work, and that he is not bull shitting them. Aparently, he had promised them something earlier and had lied about its’ status. So I dont blame those guys for wanting to cross check this time around.
Anyways, the grad student incharge of that project was out of town interviewing for an admit into the PhD program at one of the Ivy league schools. So as always, I get called on to fill in for him.
I started working with the visiting researcher this morning, and found out that *nothing* was working, or for that matter even ready. Spent all day troubleshooting the devices and making sure that the visitor had everything he needed to run the tests. By early evening we had prepared a pretty impressive list of items that needed to be purchased. After a bit of research on google, we found a place where we could get all the wierd stuff we needed. The only problem was that that place was about 45 miles from my university. Luckily for me, QoH volunteered to go shopping for them along with the visitor. While they were gone, I used that time to conduct two interviews for undergraduate positions in my lab, help out the students for the course I am TAing, and complete the prep work for the tests.
It has been a 13 hour work day, but I am happy. Atleast now I know that I am still capable of doing something productive.
MARCH 5TH, 2006
By PSEUDOSANITY
The meeting with QoH yesterday went pretty well. He was very understanding and was trying to encourage me. We spoke for about an hour and covered a wide range of topics. I actually feel a lot better about things after our talk. Kind of put things in perspective. I plan to do a few of the projects for the course, and meet the instructor on Monday to see if I can salvage something. My original plans were to work all weekend on the projects, but as it turns out, my saturday starts at 4.00 PM. 13 hours of sleeping was not on my to-do list, but its ok I guess.
