Ether

We had our bi-annual sponsor meet for a research consortium my lab is part of today. Well it started on Sunday, but today is the most important day, so today is when any of us from my lab went. I just noticed, I keep saying “my” lab, when its not actually mine. Weird. I digress. So, we were at the meeting, and QoH walks in like 5 mins after we break for lunch, and goes out with a few industrial people. He then disappears only to reappear just before our talk, and then disappears again as soon as our talk ended. I thought it was really really rude. Anyways. In the few mins he was there, I got this distinct hostile vibe from him. I dont know why. May be I am just over reacting, and reading into non-existent things, but I could have sworn there was some animosity there. Oh well, another day, another story. I am getting tired of this. Grad student life shouldnt be this stressful.

Latest Acquisitions

I have been on a buying spree for the last week or so.

In the past 7 days, I have bought 10 books:
1) John Bartlet’s Familiar Quotations
2) Jon Stewart’s America – The Book
3) Andrew Solomon’s Noonday Demon
4) Jorge Cham’s PhD Comics (Part 2)
5) Margarett Atwood’s Bodily Harm
6) Mary McCarthy’s The Group
7) The Pocket book of O’Henry Stories
Beginner’s Guide to Soduku
9) Harry Porter and the Half-Blood Prince
10) Jon Stewart’s Naked Picture of Famous People

I now also the proud owner of 6 movies, 2 CDs, a new bluetooth headset, a USB bluetooth adapter, and a really nice shirt. Oh, and for the last 4 days I have had *all* my meals and snacks at restraunts too.

The grand total being well over $600.00!! I have to reign in my impulse expenditures. I dont usually spend this much. Somehow, spending the money I dont have makes me feel a bit good about myself. I know the credit card bills are going to come back and bite me in the ass later, but its a small price to pay for transient bliss.

Research Funding

The more I think about it, the more confused I am. In the recent past, QoH has in clear terms transferred the responsibility of finding the funding for projects on to us grad students. His exact words were, “I will try to find funding for you guys, if not, I am sorry.” Is this fair? Isnt it the advisor’s job to find funding for his research and find a way to pay for his grad students? I understand the student has to help the advisor in the funding search as much as possible, and should play an active role in writing proposals and such. However, I feel shifting the onus on the students is not something a good advisor should do.

I feel used now. As long as QoH needed me to write my papers and book chapters to help him get his tenure, he went all out to see to it that I was funded. Now that he has his tenure, he feels that he can do whatever he wants. I almost feel that he doesnt care about his research anymore. He has gone into a state of mind, where it is ok to lose a grad student coz of funding issues, rather than strain himself about it. This is fucked up. I am tempted to take it to the department advisor and lodge an official complaint, but I am afraid of the repercussion. If a grad student has to live in the fear of losing his funding and being kicked out of school, then how on earth is one supposed to do any decent work?

Why oh Why?

Its 3.00 AM, and I cannot seem to be able to fall asleep. I am tired. My eyes are burning. My muscles are aching, but I cannot seem to be able to fall asleep. I am watching a streaming video of Sex and City on Shoutcast. One of the characters proposes to another coz he feels like it. He doesnt think about it. He doesnt analyze it. He just does it. The only thing I could think about was why couldnt that have been me? There were so many opportunities to profess my love to RD, but I let them all go. Why couldnt I just go with my instincts? Why oh why on earth did I have to analyze it to death? Its not so much that I miss her, which I do, it is just that I cannot forgive myself for screwing things up so much. It was probably the biggest and the most important thing in my life, and I messed it up. Why cant I just let go of my past? Why cant I move on? Why do I do this to myself?

Mid Night Blues

Its about 1.25 AM now, and I have just finished working on my internship stuff. I have done enough to survive tomorrow’s meeting with J without looking bad. It is amazing how much I can do at late in the night.
I have the blues playing the background. A soft, but strong cool breeze is blowing through the windows. My room is lit only with the glow of my monitor. There is not a hint of human presence around, except for the occasional car that audociously breaks the serenity. God its beautiful. If it was upto me, I will make all 24 hours like this. I feel so calm and composed. I am in peace with myself and with the universe. All my problems seem so insignificant. This is bliss. Now, my bed beckons. Adios sweet world.

One more thing…

I signed up with match.com today. I think having someone to share stuff with might make life easier. At the very least, it will distract me from the daily misery that is my life. The only down side is that this thing is fucking expensive. $50 for 3 months?? What the fuck are they thinking?

Confused

An ex-labmate of mine just dropped by my office. He had heard through the grapevine that I was thinking about quiting school . I always thought that my department wasnt all that gossipy, oh well. Anyways, he spent nearly an hour trying convince me that it was a bad idea, and that taking a break is tantamount to quiting. He suggested that I consider switching advisors instead. A bold, but practical suggestion. This got me thinking, are my needs actually being met with QoH? For a masters, maybe, but with each passing day I find him lacking as a PhD advisor. He doesnt have expertise in the field I am working on right now at my internship, and he doesnt have funding in the field he is an expert in. Its getting to a point where he cannot provide me any research advice that cannot be found in a book. Should I actively consider switching advisors? or is it just my depression talking?

Cramming

I met with HappyFace this afternoon. She is uping my zoloft to 75mg a day. She seemed a bit worried about my sleep. Ever since I had that meeting with QoH I havent had a single night of proper sleep. Every night I have these dreams, well I guess they are nightmares mostly, and I wake up tired. Its as if my mind is racing even when I sleep. HappyFace thinks that the increased dosage might help. I am seeing her in 2 weeks to review the progress.

I have my weekly meeting with J tomorrow. I dont have much to show for this week. Check that. I have NOTHING to show for this week. I am going to cram today and tonight and get something done. I have prepared about 12 cups of coffee, lined up a whole ton of songs on my playlist. I am all set now.

This Blows

I have been trying to research a few suicide guides recently just for the kicks. Do you know how few of them are out there? I swear its nearly impossible to find any useful info on the net. The only two links I have found so far: http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/suicide.html
http://www.satanservice.org/coe/suicide/guide/
Can I file an right of information request somewhere and get some info for a change?

Sanity Check

Turns out the lab mate of mine was actually interviewing for another position with J. I ended up looking like an ass to QoH. Actually I am too relieved to worry about my image now. I am just too insecure these days. I am not sure if this part of my depression or if it is due to the recent low self esteem phase I am going through. I cannot help but wonder if I am actually looking at the future, but just interpreting it in terms of psycho-babble coz the reality isnt what I want it to be. Either way, this is not a fun place to be in. I dont like feeling this vulnerable. I usually perform best when I feel like I am in control of things. Right now, the only analogy I can draw to my life is a that of a train wreck… atleast one that is impending.

On Sunday, my roommate and I went for a late night walk by the water, and we were talking about marriage and spouses in general. The topic of girl friends came up, and I almost choked talking to him about my ex. I didnt even go into any details, just acknowledging the fact that she existed was difficult. I spent the rest of the evening in a somber mood.

I changed therapists today. The one I was seeing before was affiliated with the campus counseling center, and they had an upper limit on the number of sessions a student can use. The new one isnt as good as the old one, but she seems a lot smarter. I will try her for a while, and if things dont work out, just drop out of therapy or consider changing therapists again.