Insidehighered.com has listed my last post on their website as part of their daily blogworld roundup. I am not sure why they picked that particular post, or this blog for that matter. More proof that randomness will rule the world. The best reason I came up with is that they liked the picture that went along with the post. What do you think was the reason?
Its 4:42 AM and I am just unable to fall asleep. I am sleepy, but too restless to fall asleep. I have been having this contradicton thing going on all day. I was nauseous and hungry in the afternoon. Then it was thirsty and bloated. In the evening it was confused and calm. Now this.
Oh and I managed to upset my sister and my father last evening. Didnt quite handle a delicate matter delicately.
After putting it off for so long, I finally sat down this evening and wrote the outline of the email to be sent to prospective advisors. I had to tell myself every moment I could, that once I get to my office, I am going to sit down and write that email. You know what? It was not that difficult to write once I started on it. I kept it plain and simple. Here is the text of the mail, maybe you guys can give your input on it. I am planning to send it out tomorrow morning.
Dear Prof. XXX:
I am a PhD student in the XXX dept, and am currently working with Prof. QoH in XXX Lab. I am in the process of exploring other research oportunities in the department, and your research is in one of the areas I am interested in. Most of my work so far has been related to XXX, and am currently working on XXX as part of my internship at XXX. I was wondering if you would be available to meet and discuss a bit about research opportunities in your lab.
Regards,
Pseudosanity
Sending out this email seems so final. There is no going back once I send them out. I have to move out of QoH’s lab. What if I dont find a new advisor? It seems unlikely, but it is possible. What then? Do I just drop out of school and start prowling the streets? Too many questions, too few answers.
I was determined to get up early this morning, workout for a few minutes, go to office and get cracking on that email, and then go see J. The dawn breaks, and I manage to get out of bed at 11 fuckin O’clock. Atleast I am not in a cranky mood this morning, so thats a plus, right?
During my daily morning dose of aimless surfing, I came across this article on procrastination. Makes for an interesting read.
So QoH called me on my mobile a few minutes ago. Interestingly, I have been replaced by another grad student in the lab on a journal paper that originated from MY research. The best part of the conversation was when he said, “I dont think you will be co-author on the paper unless you have significant contribution to it.” WTF? The whole research in mine to start with. I worked on the project for over 6 months, and wrote 2 proposals, and report on it. EVERY single result in the paper is a product of my work, and nothing has been done on the project after I ended it. If that is not significant contribution, I am not sure what is. This guy just blows my mind. Bastard.
I had mentioned previously that I was actively considering changing to a new advisor. I think time has come to put thoughts into actions. I broached the topic with QoH a few weeks ago, and he didnt seem too receptive to it. Ofcourse he didnt like the idea. I am the only student in the lab who has brought in so many projects and whole ton of funding to go with it. Not to mention that more than 50% of the journal papers from the lab ever since I joined it are mine. I am going to sit down now and create an email to be sent to prospective new advisors. Before that I need to take a walk to calm my nerves down. I am so angry at this guy.
Yes I was shopping again; but this time it was controlled mania. I went and got a ton of advertisements on thanks-giving day and clearly laid out my purchase plan. Nothing too extragavent. A CD player, couple of T-Shirts, a few sweaters, and a new set mattress set. The mattress was $600, and it is the least expensive one available in market!! I wasnt quite prepared to take that hit, but my old one threw my back out twice this week, and I had just had it with it.
Things I did today:
1) Renamed my video files. Now, all of them are in lower case and follow the syntax of …
2) Cleaned out my wallet.
3) Arranged all the cash in ascending order of their serial number.
I was talking to my sister about marraige and she asked me why she should marry at all. I went to google for help, and I came across this list of people who are considered unweddable by solosingles Guess what tops their list?
“an ambitious professional, devoted his 20s to his career. He drifted into the dating scene in his early 30s, ready to “settle down with a nice girl and start a family.”
What the fuck????
Ok, my office mate is trying to strike up a conversation with me, and I am getting irritated, and the level of irritation seems to increase exponentially with time. I am not in the mood to work, and have been browsing the net/blogs for the past 2 hrs. I am posting this just so that I can type on the key board pretending to be busy, and hope to god that this guy shuts up. It is amazing how inept people can be at picking up the “I dont want to talk” signs. I have been answering all his questions to the point in a single line while looking away from him, and this guy still doesnt seem to get it. How much more obvious can I get?
Anyways. Here is the roundup of the day. I did nothing all morning, and watched TV from the relative comforts of my couch. This afternoon I attended a Master’s thesis defense. The professor advising the student is someone I am interested in as a replacement to QoH. I figured it would look good to show up at the defense and introduce myself to his lab. Anyways, once the presentation started I for some reason went into attack mode. Well, I actually do know the reason. After the first few slides, I got a rough idea about his research and to my own amazment I could for coherent thoughts and opinion on it. So I started voicing my opinions and started cross questioning him to clear up my own mind. Well atleast thats how it started. The more questions I asked, the better I felt. Being the devil that I am, I kept asking the poor student increasingly difficult questions. In all honesty, a good student would have answers to them, but this guy was kind of weak. Also, the only other people to ask questions were two other professors. As it happens, I am interested in these professors too. So it was a combination of feel good feelings and show casing myself as a smart guy. I think I pulled it off well. In retrospect I do feel a bit bad for the student, but he survived.
I met with my therapist late this evening. She thinks I have made quite a bit of progress. I agree. Anyways, nothing interesting happened in today’s session.
Oh good, my office mate is leaving. Freedom at last!! Back to surfing the net.
I was feeling fine all day today till I started watching recent episodes of “Boston Legal” on my computer. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, its a TV show about lawyers who are, lets say “colorful”. After I had watched two of the episodes, I started feeling really down, and lonely. I have noticed it happen when ever I watch any sappy movie too. Maybe my lonliness has a lot to do with my depression than I had initially thought. I used to enjoy this series before, and now it brings me down. May be the recent errosion of the relationship I share with QoH, who used to be my mentor, has a lot to do with it. Sometimes, I just wish I could be like other guys. You know, without emotion, without regret, without care. I just wish I could live for myself and be happy about it.
