I just don’t care anymore
I’ve reached the end of the road
I just don’t care anymore
Won’t cry these tears anymore
- Can’t Cry These Tears (Garbage)
I was waiting at the bus stop when I noticed the fall colors of a remote tree. Its beauty just struck me like a lightning bolt. How did I not realize it is so beautiful out there inspite of being a MONTH into fall? I am just glad that I noticed it at all. The serenity of natural beauty is what brings heaven to earth.
I kicked ass today. I wrote the core of the research proposal in a single 2.5 hour sitting this evening. I showed it to QoH during our meeting. He reviewed it and said that he would have kissed me if I had got it done a few days before. Not that I am looking forward to being kissed by my advisor, but it still felt nice. I was on a roll today. I felt like I had everything under control, and was on top of everything. I was directing the research agenda for the next year, delegating research tasks to QoH and the other grad student, and clearly defining my role and deliverables. God, it feels good to be back.
Today after a break of nearly year and half, I started attending classes again. I was really anxious about being able to sit through 6 hours of lectures, but it turned out really well. Wow, I forgot how much I loved learning cool new stuff. Contrary to my expectations, I am really pumped up even I got done with the classes. I have a meeting with QoH later this evening, but it shouldnt be too bad. Oh talking about meetings, I got an email from QoH last evening asking why I wasnt there for the meeting with him and J earlier that day. What meeting? who meeting? No one told me about any meeting. Am I suposed to be psychic or something? The good thing was that his email was really soft toned, and not critical. He is being super nice these days. Its either the calm before the storm, or his agreement with the satan fell through.
I woke up to a call from my sister. I was still sleepy, so the conversation lasted less than a min or so. Got my ass to office. Sent 2 work related emails. Avoided a call from QoH. Avoided emails from J. Turned off the lights in my office so that QoH wouldnt come knocking on the door. I am hungry, but I am afraid that I might run into QoH on the way to the cafeteria. I spent a couple of hours working on giving a new look to this blog. Productive, but not useful. I think I am going to head to the library and try to get some work done. This is bad.
P.S.: Its my b’day today. I am going to do something nice for myself. Just dont know what yet.
I am having a strong urge to get “Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit” tatooed on my arm. I have never got a tatoo before. I am going to stop by a tatoo shop on the way home and get one. This is my life, my body, and I can do what I want with it.
I am missing home. I sit in front of this machine to do some work, and all I can think about is my family. My home. My city. My friends. My past. I miss them all. I spent the last hour looking up images of my home town on google. I want to hug my mom. Demons of my past haunt me. I am feeling vulnarable. I am feeling insecure.
Falling behind. Have.. to.. get.. back.. to… work.
What is life but a pursuit of dreams? I have been thinking about this question for a while now. I dont think I have an answer to it yet. The other day QoH posed me the same question. I couldnt answer it then, I couldnt answer it now. One thing I am nearly sure of is that engineering is not part of the answer. I think I should get my PhD ASAP and quit the field.
Last evening I attended a “working” dinner of the student association I am involved in. About 8-9 people gathered around living room, munching on pizza, and shooting the air. It was productive and fun. I am very comfortable around these people. Fantastic group.
I met with HappyFace this afternoon. We spoke in detail about the horror stories in the book. Turns out though the book might be factual, the chances are very very very remote. She says that the author probably picked every single reported case and compiled it into a volume to give credence to his theories. Her arguments and her personal experience over the last 15 years have appeased my worries and anxiety. We agreed we will try it for another 2 months during which she will closely monitor me to see if anything happens, at which point we will revisit this discussion. Sounded fair enough.
The software I had been waiting for at my internship arrived today. Lots of work this weekend, but I am looking forward to it. This should be fun. Pressure good. Stress bad.
